Rag-e Harf 5: On Forgiveness and Forgetting

On Forgiveness and Forgetting Does forgiving require forgetting?

You have probably heard the famous saying, "Forgive but do not forget." This time, I want to dwell on the vein of "forgiveness" and pause specifically on the relationship between "forgiveness" and "forgetting": what is wrong with a forgiveness that is accompanied by forgetting? Is a forgiveness that is not accompanied by forgetting truly forgiveness?

Do not forget, or else …

Why should forgiveness not be coupled with forgetting? An important reason for this point can be found in one of the tweets of Paulo Coelho (born 1947), the renowned Brazilian novelist: "Forgive but do not forget, or else you will be hurt again. Forgiveness changes your attitude. Forgetting, however, prevents you from learning the lesson." But what is it that should not be forgotten? At least three possibilities can be raised in this regard: 1- That another has wronged us. 2- That one should not oppress another. 3- That the oppression which occurred has led us to find reasonable ways to prevent further oppression. If Coelho's statement refers to the second and third cases, he is absolutely right that one should not forget. But what about the first case? One might argue that the third case and the first case are connected: if I forget that a specific person has oppressed me, I will become defenseless against them, and they will find the opportunity to oppress again. In such a case, yes, one should not forget the oppressor's wrongdoing after forgiveness. But consider a case where the oppressor will not repeat their oppression, either towards me or anyone else. In such a case, does forgiving require forgetting the oppressor's wrongdoing?

What do we do when we forgive?

The answer to this question depends on what we mean by "forgiveness." Forgiveness is fundamentally different from accepting another's argument in their own defense: when you listen to the arguments of someone you believe has done you an injustice, and their arguments in their own defense convince you, you have not forgiven them; rather, they have been exonerated in your eyes. Forgiveness arises where you rightfully think that another has done something for which there is no justifying argument. Forgiving in this sense is an act without reason, and for that very reason, it is a radical act. But is forgiving unreasonable? No. Forgiving is not only not unreasonable, but a significant part of human humanity depends on forgiveness: someone who never forgives, especially when in a position of power, lacks something important of humanity. Forgiveness, in a sense, is for a person to clear their heart towards someone who has truly wronged them, precisely where it is entirely their right not to do so. That is, not only to bear no grudge or anger towards them, but also not to be despairing of or indifferent to them.

Forgiveness, in this sense, at least initially requires not forgetting: in order to forgive, I must know what I am forgiving, and in order to know what I am forgiving, I must at least not have forgotten the basic matter. But what about after forgiveness? It seems that if a person has reasons to believe that the oppressor, in a similar situation, will not repeat their oppression and is also remorseful for their deed, then in such a situation after forgiveness, "it is fitting that" the person strive to forget the oppressor's wrongdoing. But this means the ability to separate the oppressor from the oppression. The evil of the oppression should not be forgotten, but why should the evil of the oppressor be? But in such a situation, "must" one forget the oppressor's oppression? I have cleansed my heart towards them; must I also empty my mind of their past wrongdoing? It seems that full-fledged forgiveness, in such cases, even requires an effort to forget the oppressor's past wrongdoing.

So far, my discussion has been about whether forgiving requires forgetting. But what about the reverse: does forgetting mean forgiving? Not always, and in some cases, it is precisely the opposite: in order not to forgive them, I forget them. For a brilliant and complex example of someone who forgets but does not forgive, you can watch the American film "Memento" (2000), directed by Christopher Nolan.

Yaser Mirdamadi/ Rag-e Harf 5