Us and the Wounds of Childhood

The problem of transformation is one of the most intractable enigmas in most of our lives. The preoccupation with “why don’t I change” and “why don’t I attain liberation” sometimes grips us for an entire lifetime. And self-knowledge is the discipline of attaining freedom and liberation—an unassailable liberation that is realized through a deep and radical awareness of one’s own issues. In this discourse, I have addressed the subject of “childhood wounds” as one corner of the enigma of liberation.

Bitter Pleasures

One of the reasons for not being rid of mental sufferings is the anxiety-ridden pleasures that accompany a neurotic life: the pleasures latent in pride, vainglory, showing off, belittling others, self-assertion, and revenge. These pleasures and those sufferings are two sides of the same coin, and we want to keep one side of the coin and discard the other, which is an impossible task. Those who complain about their unpleasant mental state often only want the destruction of the disagreeable part of their behavior and are not willing to give up its agreeable part. These individuals are not willing to relinquish superiority over others; they are not willing to be a nobody and to set aside showing off, self-aggrandizement, and pride. Of course, these are all of a piece. If we let go of those “agreeable” pleasures, these disagreeable pains will also disappear. Our problem is that we are unacquainted with the pleasure of tranquility and self-sufficiency. If we were to taste the sweet flavor of that great pleasure, we would no longer be willing to return to the former petty and anxiety-ridden pleasures.

What is the origin of mental and psychological sufferings? People’s psychological and behavioral problems are often explained with reference to their past, especially their childhood. We say that so-and-so suffered psychological wounds in the past, and their unpleasant behaviors or feelings are the result of such wounds. In my opinion, such a conclusion is generally correct. But there is an important question here: What exactly is a psychological wound? What is this wound, left behind by humiliation and threat in a person, that today causes various discomforts?

It must be said that at least a large part of what remains in a person from environmental harm is a problematic and tormenting way of thinking. In other words, a psychological wound is in fact a wound of thought and belief, and this is a point that is often overlooked (psychosomatic and pathological disorders are outside the scope of this discussion). A person who has been humiliated imagines that, for revenge, they must humiliate others or adopt an arrogant demeanor. Someone who has experienced violence imagines they must treat others with violence, or conversely, must pay tribute to this person and that. Many habitually view those around them as “idiots,” “nuisances,” and “enemies,” and it is natural that they are always in a state of aggression, hatred, and exasperation toward others. Some also view themselves as a weak and pitiable or contemptible and powerless being.

From a rational standpoint, if a cause disappears, its effect will also cease to exist. If a tree dried up twenty years ago, it is impossible for fruit from that same tree to appear today, because when the agent is gone, the result also vanishes. The question is, how is it possible for us to suffer today from something that remains in the past and is no longer with us?

Two Sides of the Coin

The point is that the agent of most of our sufferings is the beliefs and convictions that exist in our thinking today. The obstacle to our deliverance is the way of thinking that we ourselves are carrying in our minds right now. This is now a part of us, and the responsibility for it lies with us. How is it possible for a person to desire the humiliation of others and at the same time not accept the consequences of such a desire? How is it possible for someone to want the pleasure of showing off and admiration yet be immune to the suffering of being ignored? How can one harbor hatred toward this person and that and remain untouched by the suffering of anxiety and a sense of inferiority? These are two sides of the same coin, but we do not see this oneness. We want one side of the coin and flee from the other. Some of us take pleasure in humiliating, showing off, getting ahead of others, and belittling this person and that, and we even often recount such “successes” with pride, yet we are not willing to endure their consequences, which include fear, anxiety, and loneliness.

I knew a lady who never missed an opportunity to show off to her friends (read: rivals). Through photos, Facebook, clothes, jewelry, and anything possible, she tried to demonstrate to others that she was a person of means, beautiful, capable, important—in short, ideal. You have probably seen such people around you as well. This same person was intensely terrified of what people might say and constantly employed measures to ensure that no one would get the slightest whiff of her own or her family's problems. It was no surprise. The love of showing off has, as its flip side, the terror of scandal! This lady complained about the domineering and bullying behavior of her parents during her childhood. She condemned her father and mother for such behaviors and held them responsible for her anxiety and inner conflicts, but the reality was that this person's life was an amplified replica of the lives of her domineering and ostentatious parents. In terms of her mindset and life goals, she thought exactly like her parents and lived just like them. The problem for people like her is not "why did my parents introduce me to destructive pleasures like competition and self-assertion"—she fundamentally had no such problem and was completely "in agreement" with her parents on this matter!—rather, her issue was why she had not been sufficiently successful in obtaining such pleasures and how one could triumph in such a war! Naturally, as long as those pleasures constitute the goal and meaning of a person's life, floundering in the spider's web of doubt and anxiety is also inevitable (I have elaborated on this matter in detail in the books "The Tightrope Walker" and "From Suffering to Liberation").

The Necessity of Awakening

We expect to have the pleasures arising from a neurotic mindset and, at the same time, be immune to its sufferings. Such a thing is impossible, except of course through self-deception (note that "neurotic" does not necessarily mean angry and encompasses most psychological knots). These are bitter pleasures to which we have grown accustomed, and it is for the sake of these consolations that we endure life's hardships with a bone lodged in the wound. The lady I spoke of does not realize that the "blow" inflicted upon her by the abnormal environment of her childhood is not only the humiliating image it planted in her mind, but also the painful desires and pleasures it introduced her to, which she herself today clings to with both hands, and her entire life is a stream of preoccupation with obtaining them. If a person is to be freed from the suffering of anxiety and conflict, they must also relinquish and renounce the narcotic and deceptive pleasures they have learned from their environment. And the first step on this path is awakening to the oneness of those pleasures and these sufferings.

Perhaps seeing ourselves as contemptible or feeling hatred toward others was imposed on our minds in the past, but today all of this is part of our beliefs, and it is we who truly hold them! With a little scrutiny, we find that at least a significant portion of what torments us today is our own false and contradictory beliefs. And this is the urgent importance of self-knowledge and self-criticism. To be freed from suffering, we must first see the problem in its totality and then strive to revise our incorrect and painful beliefs.

The final point is that awakening to such a truth should not cause despair or distress for us as human beings seeking liberation and happiness; on the contrary, it should be a source of joy for us, as it shows that we are not powerless and passive beings in determining our feelings, but rather the choice to continue or cease our states and feelings still lies in our own hands. We just need to be sufficiently serious in reviewing and refining our mentalities.

With much love

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Us and the Wounds of Childhood

Author: Sasan Habibvand

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