Fleeing Sorrow, Fighting Sorrow, or Accepting and Analyzing Sorrow?

Many people, as soon as they encounter a sorrow, find that the first thing that occurs to them is to flee from the sorrow and take refuge in something that makes them forget it. Such individuals will do anything to free themselves from the grip of sorrow.

A group of people, in order to escape the clutches of sorrows, fight against them and strive with all their might to control the sorrows and, if possible, eliminate them. If these battles are conscious and realistic, they can be endorsed in some cases, but often those who try to control and eliminate sorrows do not do so consciously and entangle themselves more and more in sorrow; because their efforts do not follow wisdom and logic. For this reason, most of the time, in order to free themselves from a particular sorrow, they trap themselves in the clutches of several new sufferings and become caught in a vicious cycle of painful causes and effects.

A very small group of people, when faced with a sorrow, accept it with utmost awareness and calm, analyze it, and try to understand its roots, effects, and cure through careful examination. Such individuals, unlike those who flee from sorrows and contrary to those who grapple with them, possess valuable personality traits such as: patience, wisdom, self-confidence, flexible intellect, and the power of acceptance. Therefore, they consider every sorrow a very suitable ground for reflecting on their inner state and try to analyze it with great precision; because they know that the more one knows about oneself, the easier it becomes to recognize the causes of sorrows and to treat them.

Fleeing from Sorrow

Many people, as soon as they encounter a sorrow, find that the first thing that occurs to them is to flee from the sorrow and take refuge in something that makes them forget it. Such individuals will do anything to free themselves from the grip of sorrow. The human flight from sorrow can be explained in the form of two phenomena:

1) Trying to forget the sorrow: Many people, when facing sorrows, try to forget the sorrow and feign indifference by taking refuge in various entertainments, pleasures, and supports. To escape sorrow, they may take refuge in their friends and acquaintances, seek help from painkillers and narcotics, resort to excessive sleep and eating, immerse themselves in work, sports, and hobbies, and in short, take shelter in various material and spiritual matters.

1-2) Projection: Another thing that people do, naturally and instinctively, to escape their sorrows is projection. They try to find someone and place the responsibility for their sorrowfulness on their shoulders, thus absolving themselves of responsibility. This projection often gives the person a false peace, places them in the position of a "victim," and this causes a mixture of innocence and sanctity to emerge within them, calming them temporarily. Often in such cases, the person projects the responsibility for their sadness either onto God and fate, or refers it to their parents and the political and educational system of their society.

Fleeing from sorrow may seem like a normal and natural behavior, but it should be noted that fleeing from sorrow, whether in the form of forgetting or projection, temporarily calms the person, but in the long run, it entangles them in sadness and suffering. To prove this claim, at least three reasons can be presented:

The first reason is that fleeing strengthens a passive spirit in the person, destroys their self-confidence, and deeply makes them doubt their own worth. A person who constantly uses the tactic of fleeing weakens their will day by day and turns themselves into a hollow and empty being that may collapse at any moment due to serious life problems and fall into very deep sufferings.

The second reason is that many sorrows place us in situations where we can come to know ourselves far more deeply and accurately; in other words, there are layers of our being that are only revealed to us in the midst of difficulties and sufferings, and if things always went our way, we would never encounter those aspects of our personality. Sorrows and sufferings are exceptional opportunities for discovering the hidden layers of our being; therefore, someone who turns to flight the moment they face sorrow is, in fact, closing their eyes to many of the hidden corners of their own existence and never succeeds in knowing parts of their being.

And the third reason is that some sorrows indicate that a serious problem exists in our life and we must address its treatment as soon as possible. Someone who flees from sorrows is, in reality, running away from the defect and deficiency in their life and has erased its sign; just like someone who soothes their pain with a tranquilizer and ignores its message. In the same way, sorrows may well be signs of serious disorders in our life, and our flight from them may cause those disorders to remain within us, deepen and spread, and endanger our lives; therefore, taking refuge in something that soothes our sorrows and prevents their analysis and examination is a form of self-deception and harms us in the long run.

Russ Harris rightly says in this regard: "Many self-help methods suggest that whenever we feel bad, we should listen to music, read our favorite book, go for a walk, engage in our favorite sport, go out with friends, and so on... If these activities are truly valuable to you, doing them will be very satisfying, but if you do them merely to escape from unpleasant feelings, they will not be of much benefit to you" (The Happiness Trap, p. 166)

Fighting Sorrow

A group of people, in order to free themselves from the clutches of sorrows, engage in fighting them and strive with all their might to control sorrows and, if possible, eliminate them. If these battles are conscious and realistic, they can be endorsed in some cases, but often, those who try to control and eliminate sorrows do not do so consciously and entangle themselves more and more in sorrow; because their efforts do not follow wisdom and logic; for this reason, most of the time, in order to free themselves from a specific sorrow, they entangle themselves in the clutches of several new sufferings and become caught in the vicious cycle of painful causes and effects.

It seems that fighting sorrow often manifests itself in the following forms:

2-1-1) Striving for complete liberation from sorrows: The most important characteristic of a person who fights sorrows is that they desire the elimination of sorrows and dream of a life completely free from sorrow and suffering.

2-1-2) Striving to eliminate or shorten the natural period of sorrows: Many of the sorrows that exist in our lives neither arise suddenly nor disappear suddenly. Usually, every sorrow has a period and must run its course. People who wage war on sorrows do not want this period to exist, or they desire its excessive shortening and elimination, and this causes them to be more distressed; for example, separation or the death of a loved one has a period and must be accepted.

2-1-3) Aggression and insulting oneself or others: The person becomes angry and insults themselves, or the sorrows, or those they hold responsible for their sadness.

2-1-4) Complaining about oneself or others: The person does not accept the sorrows and complains about themselves, God, fate, other people, and anyone they hold responsible for their sorrow.

2-1-5) Blaming oneself or others: The person engages in blaming themselves and those they hold responsible for their sorrow.

The sign that a person has engaged in an incorrect battle with sorrows is that they constantly feel distressed; because one cannot be freed from some sorrows, and furthermore, if their efforts do not yield results, they feel despair. The most important personality traits that cause a person to battle with sorrows are: lack of flexible wisdom, pride and rebelliousness, ignorance of the existential structure of the world and humanity, agitation and hastiness. These traits cause a person, instead of confronting their sorrows realistically, to fight them and seek to eradicate them, but it goes without saying that such efforts often lead nowhere. In principle, striving to be free from unchangeable matters yields nothing but failure.

Often, those who try to control sorrows and eliminate them do not do so consciously and entangle themselves more and more in sorrow; therefore, for their efforts, instead of the term "battle with sorrow," we use the phrase "desperate floundering." This phrase carries no value judgment whatsoever and is purely descriptive. Just as a "slaughtered animal" flounders without will or awareness, throws itself against walls, and no logic or rationality governs its movements, many who go to war with sorrows, in reality, their efforts follow no wisdom or logic; for this reason, most of the time, to free themselves from a specific sorrow, they entangle themselves in the clutches of several new sufferings and again become trapped in the same vicious cycle of causes and effects. Rumi has used two very beautiful allegories to explain this matter.

1) The Allegory of the Snake and the Hedgehog: A snake that has been captured by a hedgehog, with its rash movements and desperate struggles, impales itself ever more and more severely on its spines, and moment by moment entangles itself further. Impatient and agitated humans, as soon as they encounter a sorrow, also perform such untested and rash behaviors that yield nothing but more pain and suffering:

A hedgehog seized the tip of a snake's tail in its mouth It pulled in its head and curled up, like a ball, that deceiver

That foolish snake kept striking itself against the spines, moment by moment It became full of holes, from striking itself upon the thorns

It was without patience and without stratagems, it killed itself from haste Had it been patient for a moment, it would have been freed from that ugly-faced one

(Kulliyat-e Shams, Hermes edition, Ghazal No. 44)

2) The Allegory of the Donkey and the Thorn: In another allegory, Rumi likens the ignorant human to a donkey that has a thorn stuck in its thigh, and by striking its thigh with its tail and kicking, it wants to remove it, but the thorn sinks deeper into its leg. This is while a wise person removes that thorn with the least expenditure of energy and effort. Yes, the ignorant person, to be free from a small sorrow and grief, performs so many foolish behaviors and irrational acts that they moment by moment increase the intensity and multitude of their sorrows:

Someone places a thorn under a donkey's tail The donkey does not know how to repel it, it leaps up

It leaps, and that thorn strikes more firmly A wise person is needed to extract a thorn

The donkey, to repel the thorn, from burning and pain Was kicking out, it wounded itself in a hundred places

(Masnavi, Book 1/ 154-156)

Elsewhere in the Masnavi, Rumi recounts the story of an insolent and impudent servant whose stipend the king cut off, and he, instead of coming to his senses and admitting his fault, with utter insolence, resorted to rebelliousness and displayed improper behaviors. Rumi likens this foolish, insolent servant to a donkey that, when one of its legs gets caught in a fetter, flounders so much that it entangles its other leg as well:

His intellect was little and his greed was great When he saw his allowance reduced, he became fierce and restive

Had there been intellect, he would have circumambulated himself So he would have seen his own crime, and been pardoned

Like a hobbled donkey that rages from asininity Both its legs become bound, moreover

پس بگويد خر كه يك بندم بس است خود مدان كآن دو ز فعل آن خس است‏

(مثنوی، د 4/ 1496-1493)

شخص نادان نيز آنگاه كه اندوهی برايش پيش می‌آيد، به جای انديشيدن و يافتن راه حلّي معقول و منطقی، سرآسیمه و خشمگين می‌‌شود، سركشی پيشه می‌كند و دم‌به‌دم بر حجم غم‌های خويش می‌‌افزايد.

پذیرش و تحلیلِ غم

در دو پیام بالا به این نکته اشاره کردیم که غالب انسان‌ها هنگامی که با غم و رنجی روبه‌رو می‌شوند، یا از برابر آن می‌گریزند و یا به نبرد با آن می‌پردازند و گفتیم که این دو راه غالباً به نتیجۀ نیکویی نمی‌انجامند. اکنون به سومین روش برخورد با غم‌ها که درست‌ترین و بهترین راه است، اشاره می‌کنیم و آن همانا «پذیرش و تحلیل» است.

گروه بسيار اندكي از انسان‌ها وقتي كه با اندوهي روبه‌رو مي‌شوند، با نهايت آگاهی و آرامش، آن را می‌پذیرند، به تحليل آن مي‌پردازند و مي‌كوشند از طريق بررسي‌هاي دقيق، به شناخت ريشه‌ها، آثار و راه درمان آن دست يابند. این قبیل افراد، برخلافِ افرادی که از برابر غم‌ها می‌گریزند و برعکس آنها که با غم‌ها درمی‌آویزند، از ویژگی‌های شخصیتیِ ارزشمندی از این قبیل برخوردارند: شکیبایی، دانایی، اعتماد به نفس، خِردِ انعطاف و نیروی پذیرش؛ بنابراین آنها هر اندوهي را زمينه‌اي بسيار مناسب براي تأمل در احوال دروني خود به شمار مي‌آورند و مي‌كوشند با دقت تمام، آن را تحليل كنند؛ چراکه می‌دانند هرچه دانش آدمي درمورد خویش بيشتر باشد،‌ شناختن علل غم‌ها و نیز درمان کردن آنها آسان‌تر مي‌شود. اين تأمل در حالات روحي انسان بايد آن قدر ادامه يابد، تا او بتواند استادانه به تجزيه و تحليل حوادثي كه در درونش رخ مي‌دهند، دست بزند و يا اينكه بايد دست ياري به سوي «حكيمان خارچين» (مثنوي، د 1/ ب 157) كه توانايي تشخيص بيماري‌هاي روحي انسان را دارند، دراز كند.

در میان سه راهِ گریز از غم، نبرد با غم و پذیرش و تحلیلِ غم، بی‌گمان راه سوم بهترین راه ممکن است؛ یعنی هرگاه با غمی روبه‌رو می‌شویم، نخست باید با صبر و حوصله آن را بپذیریم و به نیکی دربارۀ علل و آثارش تأمل کنیم. درنگ در علل و آثار غم‌ها نشان می‌دهد که ما در طول زندگی خود صرفاً با یک نوع غم سر و کار نداریم و همین تنوعِ غم‌ها باعث می‌شود از هرگونه دستور العمل و توصیۀ یکسان برای مواجهه با آنها پرهیز کنیم. به عبارت دیگر غم‌ها از حیث عللِ پدیدآورنده‌شان و از جهت آثار و نتایجشان به انواع گوناگونی تقسیم می‌شوند و با هرکدام از آنها باید با شیوۀ خاص خودشان روبه‌رو شد؛ ازاین‌رو پیچیدنِ نسخۀ واحد برای غم‌های متفاوت کاری نادرست است. همۀ غم‌هایی که ما در طول زندگی خود آنها را تجربه می‌کنیم، نه از یک آبشخور سرچشمه می‌گیرند و نه آثار و نتایجِ یکسانی را به بار می‌آورند؛ بنابراین نمی‌توان همه را به یک چوب راند و به یک شیوه درمان‌شان کرد.

به نظر می‌رسد دشواری کار دقیقاً در همین‌جاست. اگر ما صرفاً با یک پدیده روبه‌رو بودیم، می‌توانستیم درمانی یگانه برای آن در نظر بگیریم و هرگاه با آن روبه‌رو شدیم، به سادگی آن را درمان کنیم. اگر چنین بود، همۀ افراد، با هر درجه‌ای از دانایی و خردمندی، می‌توانستند از پسِ غم‌های خود برآیند، ولی واقعاً مسأله به این سادگی نیست. انواعِ مختلفی از غم‌ها وجود دارند و هرکدام از آنها برخوردی ویژه را می‌طلبند. برخی از غم‌ها را ما آدمیان برای خود پدید می‌آوریم، ولی برخی دیگر از غم‌ها از لوازمِ ساختار جهان و ساختارِ وجودیِ انسان هستند و تا وقتی که انسان و جهان چنین ساختاری را دارند، آن غم‌ها اجتناب‌ناپذیرند. از سوی دیگر همان غم‌هایی که ما، خود، سرچشمۀ آنها هستیم، نیز به گونه‌هایی دیگر قابل تقسیم هستند؛ برخی از این غم‌ها از نادانی و خودخواهی و بدکاریِ ما سرچشمه می‌گیرند، ولی بعضی دیگر از آنها ناشی از وجدانِ اخلاقی و انسان‌دوستی و کمال‌طلبیِ ما هستند. روشن است که نمی‌توان همۀ این غم‌ها را از یک نوع دانست و با آنها به یک شکل برخورد کرد. برخی از این غم‌ها را باید پذیرفت و تحمل کرد، برخی دیگر را باید از بین بُرد و بعضی دیگر از غم‌ها را باید با همۀ وجود خواهان بود.

As you can see, analyzing the causes and effects of sorrows requires great patience and wisdom, and it is precisely here that one can distinguish ignorant, hasty, and rebellious people from wise, slow, and patient ones. It seems that fleeing and fighting are far more difficult than accepting and analyzing, and require more cultivation and wisdom.

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Fleeing Sorrow, Fighting Sorrow, or Accepting and Analyzing Sorrow?

Author: Iraj Shahbazi

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