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Philosophy
Rely on Your Own Power to Be Happier
Happiness depends on distinguishing what is within our control from what is not. Drawing on Stoic philosophy and the Serenity Prayer, we can learn to shift our aim from external outcomes to inner attainments, preserving tranquility in the face of adversity.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!
This is the "Serenity Prayer," written by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr in 1934, and it is commonly used by organizations and institutions such as "Alcoholics Anonymous." It is not only a key step for quitting addiction but also a practical guide for a happy life, meaning a life of serenity, achieved through the graceful acceptance of what life puts in our path.
The core sentiment embedded in this prayer is very ancient. Similar ideas have been seen in eighth-century Buddhist manuscripts and in eleventh-century Jewish philosophy. But the oldest version I know of belongs to Epictetus, the Stoic philosopher. Epictetus, who lived in the second century (first in Rome and then in Nicopolis, in western Greece), argued thus: "Some things are up to us, and some things are not up to us. The first group includes our judgments, our emotions, our desires, our aversions, and in general our way of thinking. The second group includes things like the body, material possessions, reputation, status, and in a word, everything that is outside our control. If you have a correct understanding of what truly belongs to you and what does not, then you will no longer be affected by pressures or obstacles, you will never blame anyone or find fault with anyone, and whatever you do, you will do willingly. In this case, you have no rival and no one can harm you, for you are resistant to any blow."
I call this state the "Epictetan promise": if you can truly discern the difference between what is under your control and what is not, and act accordingly, you become psychologically invincible, and the ups and downs of the world's affairs will no longer affect you.
Of course, this is far easier said than done. It requires a great deal of careful practice. But based on my own experiences, I can assure you that it eventually pays off. For instance, I was in Rome last year, coincidentally working on a book about Stoicism. One day near dusk, I headed toward the Colosseum. As soon as I boarded the crowded metro, I felt strangely unable to move forward. A young man was right in front of me, blocking my way, and I couldn't understand why. Suddenly, the reason flashed into my mind, but it was a moment too late. While I was distracted by this person, his accomplice slipped his hand into my pocket, snatched my wallet, and the next moment I saw him exiting the metro door with his partner right behind him! The doors closed and the train moved off, leaving me stranded without cash or ID, needing to cancel and replace my credit cards.
Before I began practicing Stoicism, an incident like this could have been a very bitter experience for me, and I wouldn't have been able to react to it properly. I would certainly have become upset, agitated, and angry. This bad mood would probably have ruined my entire evening. Moreover, the shock of the event (which was not a particularly violent attack) might have lingered for days, with a destructive oscillation between anger and regret.
But by that time, I had been practicing Stoicism for several years. So, the first thing that came to my mind was the "Promise of Epictetus." I could not stop the thieves of Rome, nor could I go back and prevent what had happened from occurring. But I could accept what had happened and close its file for future reference for the time being, and instead focus on spending the rest of my day well. After all, no catastrophe had occurred. I thought about this, and it had a good effect. I met up with the person I had plans with that night, told them what had happened, and proceeded with my plan to enjoy the film, dinner, and company. My brother was surprised at how I could bear the matter with such composure and calm. But this is precisely the power that comes from internalizing the "Stoic dichotomy of control."
The positive impact of Stoicism is, of course, not limited to the minor adversities of life, an example of which I described. A fighter jet pilot during the Vietnam era, named James Stockdale, was shot down and held captive for seven and a half years in Hoa Lo Prison, where he was tortured and endured long periods of solitary confinement. He attributes his survival through those ordeals to following Epictetus. Stockdale had applied the Stoic dichotomy of control in the difficult situation of his captivity. This method not only saved his life but also helped him, in his capacity as a senior ranking officer, to manage the resistance from within the prison. Most of us will not find ourselves in the predicament Stockdale was caught in, but if we pay attention, we see that the dichotomy of control has numerous applications in our everyday lives, and in all of them, there is a fundamental common shift: turning one's goal from external outcomes toward internal achievements.
For example, suppose you want to polish your resume for a possible job promotion. If the goal you set for yourself is to get the promotion, you are setting the stage for potential feelings of failure. There is no guarantee that you will achieve such a goal, because this matter is not (entirely) within your control. Of course, you can influence it, but other factors independent of your efforts (such as possible competition from other employees, or perhaps your boss not liking you for whatever reason) also have an effect on it.
This is why your goal should be internal: if you adopt the Stoic approach, you consciously prepare the best resume you can, and then you ready yourself psychologically to accept any outcome with equanimity, because you accept that sometimes the world goes your way and sometimes it does not. What is the benefit of worrying about something that is outside one's control? Or what is the benefit of being angry at an outcome that is not the result of your doing? It only makes the tense situation worse, and in the meantime, one's happiness and peace of mind are lost. Of course, this does not mean passively accepting whatever happens. As I said, your goal should be to prepare the best possible resume. But common sense dictates that we must understand that things do not always go the way we want. If things do not go according to our wishes, the best course of action is to take what we have and move on.
Do you want to win the tennis match? Winning is outside your control. But playing with all your might is within your control. Do you want your life partner to love you? This is outside your control. But there are many ways you can choose to show your love to your life partner, and this is within your control. Do you want a particular political party to win the election? This is outside your control (unless you are Vladimir Putin!). But you can participate in political activities and you can vote. These are examples of aspects of life that are within our control. If you succeed in setting your goals internally, you will never blame anyone, find fault with anyone, and you will have no rivals, because what others do is often outside your control and therefore nothing much can be done about it. The result of this approach is an attitude of equanimity toward the ups and downs of life, which leads to a peaceful life.
To be happier, focus on what’s within your control.
Massimo Pigliucci - is professor of philosophy at City College and at the Graduate Center of the City University of New York. His latest book is How to Be a Stoic: Ancient Wisdom for Modern Living(May, 2017). He lives in New York.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
This is the Serenity Prayer, originally written by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr around 1934, and commonly used by Alcoholics Anonymous and similar organisations. It is not just a key step toward recovery from addiction, it is a recipe for a happy life, meaning a life of serenity arrived at by consciously taking what life throws at us with equanimity.
The sentiment behind the prayer is very old, found in 8th-century Buddhist manuscripts, as well as in 11th-century Jewish philosophy. The oldest version I can think of, however, goes back to the Stoic philosopher Epictetus. Active in the 2nd century in Rome and then Nicopolis, in western Greece, Epictetus argued that:
We are responsible for some things, while there are others for which we cannot be held responsible. The former include our judgment, our impulse, our desire, aversion and our mental faculties in general; the latter include the body, material possessions, our reputation, status – in a word, anything not in our power to control. … [I]f you have the right idea about what really belongs to you and what does not, you will never be subject to force or hindrance, you will never blame or criticise anyone, and everything you do will be done willingly. You won’t have a single rival, no one to hurt you, because you will be proof against harm of any kind.
I call this Epictetus’ promise: if you truly understand the difference between what is and what is not under your control, and act accordingly, you will become psychologically invincible, impervious to the ups and downs of fortune.
Of course, this is far easier said than done. It requires a lot of mindful practice. But I can assure you from personal experience that it works. For instance, last year I was in Rome, working, as it happened, on a book on Stoicism. One late afternoon I headed to the subway stop near the Colosseum. As soon as I entered the crowded subway car, I felt an unusually strong resistance to moving forward. A young fellow right in front of me was blocking my way, and I couldn’t understand why. Then the realisation hit, a second too late. While my attention was focused on him, his confederate had slipped his hand in my left front pocket, seized my wallet, and was now stepping outside of the car, immediately followed by his accomplice. The doors closed, the train moved on, and I found myself with no cash, no driver’s licence, and a couple of credit cards to cancel and replace.
Before I started practising Stoicism, this would have been a pretty bad experience, and I would not have reacted well. I would have been upset, irritated and angry. This foul mood would have spilled over the rest of the evening. Moreover, the shock of the episode, as relatively mild as the attack had been, would have probably lasted for days, with a destructive alternation of anger and regret.
But I had been practicing Stoicism for a couple of years. So my first thought was of Epictetus’ promise. I couldn’t control the thieves in Rome, and I couldn’t go back and change what had happened. I could, however, accept what had happened and file it away for future reference, focusing instead on having a nice time during the rest of my stay. After all, nothing tragic had happened. I thought about this. And it worked. I joined my evening company, related what happened, and proceeded to enjoy the movie, the dinner, and the conversation. My brother was amazed that I took things with such equanimity and that I was so calm about it. But that’s precisely the power of internalising the Stoic dichotomy of control.
And its efficacy is not limited to minor life inconveniences, as in the episode just described. James Stockdale, a fighter-jet pilot during the Vietnam War, was shot down and spent seven and a half years in Hoa Lo prison, where he was tortured and often put in isolation. He credits Epictetus for surviving the ordeal by immediately applying the dichotomy of control to his extreme situation as a captive, which not only saved his life, but also allowed him to coordinate the resistance from inside the prison, in his position as senior ranking officer.
Most of us don’t find ourselves in Stockdale’s predicament, but once you begin paying attention, the dichotomy of control has countless applications to everyday life, and all of them have to do with one crucial move: shifting your goals from external outcomes to internal achievements.
For example, let’s say that you are preparing your résumé for a possible job promotion. If your goal is to get the promotion, you are setting yourself up for a possible disappointment. There is no guarantee that you will get it, because the outcome is not (entirely) under your control. Sure, you can influence it, but it also depends on a number of variables that are independent of your efforts, including possible competition from other employees, or perhaps the fact that your boss, for whatever unfathomable reason, really doesn’t like you.
That’s why your goal should be internal: if you adopt the Stoic way, you would conscientiously put together the best résumé that you can, and then mentally prepare to accept whatever outcome with equanimity, knowing that sometimes the universe will favour you, and other times it will not. What do you gain by being anxious over something you don’t control? Or angry at a result that was not your doing? You are simply adding a self-inflicted injury to the situation, compromising your happiness and serenity.
This is no counsel for passive acceptance of whatever happens. After all, I just said that your goal should be to put together the best résumé possible! But it is the mark of a wise person to realise that things don’t always go the way we wish. If they don’t, the best counsel is to pick up the pieces, and move on.
Do you want to win that tennis match? It is outside of your control. But to play the best game you can is under your control. Do you want your partner to love you? It is outside of your control. But there are plenty of ways you can choose to show your love to your partner – and that is under your control. Do you want a particular political party to win the election? It is outside of your control (unless you’re Vladimir Putin!) But you can choose to engage in political activism, and you can vote. These aspects of your life are under your control. If you succeed in shifting your goals internally, you will never blame or criticise anyone, and you won’t have a single rival, because what other people do is largely beyond your control and therefore not something to get worked up about. The result will be an attitude of equanimity toward life’s ups and downs, leading to a more serene life.
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Rely on Your Own Power to Be Happier
Translation: Parvaneh Hosseini
Massimo Pigliucci is a professor of philosophy at New York University. What you read is a translation of this piece by him:
Massimo Pigliucci, ‘To Be Happier, Focus on What’s Within Your Control,’ Aeon, 22 May 2017.
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