Rupert Yumieh

It is hereby reported for the information of the relevant authorities that today, coinciding with the defeat of the Eastern Reds and the setting of the West, in the lavatory and bathhouse of the Allameh Seminary of Dr. Mohammad Javad Gholamreza-ye Kashi (whose first name is Mohammad Reza and his second name is Gholamreza, but not just any Gholamreza, rather the Gholam Reza from Kashan)—who is considered one of the eminent leaders of the misguided postmodernist sect—he has declared that he has become utterly disgusted with following that crooked path and, apparently by the grace of the merciful breaths of the saved liberal community and its conclusive proof, has turned his reins toward the path of truth. The aforementioned, in the presence of the congregation of disbelievers, has affirmed that, in accordance with the response to the noble address, "It is an abomination from the work of Satan, so will you not desist?", he has said, "We desist, we desist."

He, who is also in some way affiliated with the communitarian community (which in English is called "communitarian," and within which there is nothing but the socialist manifesto), has announced that, as a man who, in bringing this bearded creed to the country, has weakened the core of its endeavor and caused all of God's creation, one and all, to broadly concede to the illegitimate demands of the oppressive and ignorant rulers, he hereby declares his repentance and contrition, first and foremost. He has made it patently clear that he has spent a lifetime diligently consolidating the foundations of this mosque of dissension, which was built in disbelief and hypocrisy, and in this regard, he holds his own self to account and punishment. Reports indicate that his disciples wept so profusely in the lavatory that they became buoyant in their own tears, and the critics, following his confessions, whistled and applauded so vigorously that its echo in the hollow space of the lavatory mingled terror with delight.

The recorded news states that, upon seeing the audience foam at the mouth, he was greatly delighted and cursed the arguments of that shameless, feckless sect by name seven times, making the intensity of his aversion public, and also once aimed a curse at his own distinguished person for having been led astray by their coquetry, turning his back on the people of truth, which was, of course, a ruinous act. In addition, he has acknowledged that someone like me, who for a long time was famed as "Javad-Foucault," now seeks refuge from this follower of the people of Lot in the one God who has no partner, and I have firm hope that whatever I do henceforth will be entirely in the work of negating and forbidding these absurdities that are not worth a farthing. The curious thing is that some of his students raised an objection, asking why our Sheikh, in the manner of Sheikh San'an, spent a lifetime trampling obedience underfoot and gave his heart to a Christian maiden, and the honored gentleman, in scorching the brains of his former companions, chanted this verse: I speak openly and am glad of my words / I am repentant, repentant, and free from my past.

It is also reported that the eminent attendees of that moisture-laden hothouse expressed great delight, blessed this conversion to their own creed, and inevitably considered that historic moment the auspicious offspring of a blessed conjunction, giving much thanks that the fortune and misfortune of the stars, this time, were to their advantage and to the loss of the constructed sect.

The reporter deems it his duty to acknowledge that although the substance of this report has been confirmed by multiple sources and the aforementioned's change of direction is certain, however, since his person was carried out of the assembly on the shoulders of the heralds of rationality and freedom, it has not been possible to officially record in which direction his exit from that sect was. Some hold that the said exit is explicitly the result of the reactive outcomes and the lack of a postmodernist path, and the absence of ethics and righteous deeds among its leaders, and in any case, the named individual has not yet been fully honored with the grace of liberalism. And God knows best.

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Daily Report

Morteza Mardiha

March 6, 2017

Source: Morteza Mardiha's Facebook

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