Comparison and Its Adverse Effects on the Formation of Some of Our Negative Traits

One of the effective factors in human growth and flourishing is self-confidence, which is itself attained through appropriate and timely encouragement, especially during childhood and adolescence. The need for encouragement, attention, and recognition is a natural need that exists to a greater or lesser extent in all human beings, and this very need has been and remains the driving force behind human progress in various areas of life. Sufficient encouragement and attention in childhood can help moderate this need in adulthood, while humiliation and blame in childhood intensify it.

Unfortunately, it must be said that comparison, and the subsequent encouragement of one party and humiliation and blame of the other, begins in our society from childhood. Parents at home compare their children with each other and with the children of relatives and neighbors, and teachers at school compare them with their classmates, and this comparison and humiliation continues in adulthood in an invisible yet persistent manner.

Given that most of the time there are people around us who are more capable and, so to speak, more successful than us in one or more respects, there is always a basis for comparison and a pretext for being blamed and humiliated, and no one can escape it. One day, our strength is flaunted before another, humiliating them and planting resentment toward us in their heart, and another day, another's strength is flaunted before us, humiliating us and planting resentment toward them in our heart. With a thousand regrets, most of the time, this is done—whether by mothers and fathers or by teachers—with good intentions and in order to encourage children and young people to improve.

In our literature, Rumi is one of those who, citing a religious myth, points to the reprehensible nature of the act of comparison. Where Satan is the only angel who refuses God's command to prostrate before the human being, arguing that Adam is made of dust and he is made of fire, and fire is superior to dust. In the first book of the Masnavi, we read:

The first who brought forth these analogies / Before the lights of God was Iblis He said, "Fire, without doubt, is better than dust; / I am of fire, and he is of murky dust."

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Destructive Traits Resulting from the Act of Comparison:

1- Envy: Envy means not rejoicing in the success of others, which in extreme cases can manifest as rejoicing in their failure. This trait is one of the most prominent results of individuals being compared with one another. Comparisons that, unfortunately, as mentioned, begin in families from childhood and usually lead to better and worse, superiority and inferiority, and subsequently to the praise of one and the humiliation of another.

2- Obstructionism: When someone's success becomes a cudgel for comparing them with us and humiliating us, it is natural that we not only refrain from providing opportunities that could lead them to success, but also, by resorting to various means, even hinder their progress. "Throwing a wrench in the works" and "stonewalling" are idioms used in this regard.

It is essential to note that the negative traits resulting from unhealthy comparisons, some of which I describe in this article, mostly apply to individuals who are at close social levels and can be compared with one another, such as two students, two doctors, two poets, two writers, two singers, and so on. In other words, a singer is never compared with a hairdresser, nor a simple employee with a minister, nor a millionaire with a poor person, and thus they usually neither envy each other nor create obstacles for one another.

3- Loss of Self-Confidence and the Emergence of an Inferiority Complex: Given that self-confidence is created in a person through appropriate encouragement, when we are constantly compared and humiliated from childhood, a sense of inferiority will gradually replace the sense of self-confidence.

4- Magnifying the Weaknesses or Diminishing the Strengths of Others: Fault-finding with classmates, colleagues, and peers allows us to emerge victorious in any potential comparison with them. For instance, when we repeatedly praise the spouses and children of others and hold them up against our own spouse and children, we make our own spouse and children watchful for faults and flaws in them, so as to tarnish their superiority in our eyes and triumph in any potential comparisons with them. Pointing out minor flaws in the work of those who are, in any case, doing something, and magnifying those flaws by their peers; the inclination to damage their socio-political and academic standing through biased opinions, malicious criticism, and character assassination, which also occurs at higher levels of society, can all be rooted in this same phenomenon.

5- Feeling Satisfaction at the Diminishment of Others: It is often observed that finding fault with a person and belittling them brings satisfaction to the individual or individuals active in the same field. This feeling of satisfaction can be seen on the faces of the other siblings when one child in a family is criticized or rebuked by the parents, and likewise on the faces of other employees when the boss criticizes or objects to one employee. With a little attention, one can clearly observe these traits even among our literati and writers, who claim cultural leadership of the people, when criticism of one leads to the delight of another.

6- The Need to Hear Praise and Commendation: Undoubtedly, comparison and successive experiences of being humiliated create wounds in the soul. Every wound seeks a balm, and the balm for the wound of humiliation is hearing praise and commendation. It can be said that the need to hear praise and commendation is a coin whose other side is an intolerance of criticism, and these two have an inverse relationship. That is, the more tolerance the members of a society have for accepting criticism, the less they are pleased by excessive praise, exaggerated flattery, and false adulation; conversely, individuals who have less tolerance for hearing criticism exhibit a greater need to hear praise and commendation and derive more happiness from it.

7- Striving to Acquire Things That Bring Pride and Respect: The abundant need for attention and approval drives individuals to pursue wealth, status, and credentials, which are among the primary standards of value in society. Naturally, the lack of equal conditions and opportunities for everyone leads some to acquire these values through improper means and by sacrificing human values. Failure in this path gives rise to negative feelings such as resentment, hatred, disillusionment, despair, and emptiness in individuals.

Here, it might be said that similar values exist in modern societies as well. This is true, but our discussion here concerns the motivation behind human endeavor. Since in modern societies, a person's respect has little connection to their wealth, status, and position—meaning no one is humiliated for lacking wealth, higher education, or having jobs considered lowly by the standards of our class-based society—people generally pursue wealth to enjoy and make the most of life's blessings, and pursue knowledge to satisfy their own interests. Naturally, when interest is the motivation for acquiring knowledge, the scholar it produces is more fruitful and, consequently, more beneficial to society. However, when escaping humiliation or boasting to others becomes the motivation for higher education, the result is the emergence of credential-holders without knowledge and uninterested specialists, whose degrees and titles serve more for that false social respect and, primarily, for their own boasting to others, and less for the people of the society in which they live.

8- Concealment, Pretense, Lying, and Imitation: The fear of being compared with others and being humiliated causes people, in addition to striving to climb the rungs of the social pyramid, to conceal their material and intellectual deficiencies or to pretend to possess them. Terms such as showing off, bluffing, putting on airs, and being broke are used in this context. This fear also causes people to keep up appearances and imitate the lifestyle of those who are at higher levels and are the object of society's envy and attention. Moreover, in societies where an individual's honor and shame also affect all members of the family and relatives, lying about the weaknesses and shortcomings of family and kin and bluffing about them also becomes prevalent.

9- Curiosity, Fault-Finding, and Judgment: Curiosity is nothing but an intense need to know. Human progress in many fields is largely indebted to the sense of curiosity. But the curiosity meant here, which is another prominent and destructive characteristic among us, is the interest in having information about those who share common interests with us and are likely to be compared with us. Such as classmates, colleagues, neighbors, relatives, etc. This information usually includes their income level, new things they have bought, the place where they spent their holidays, and the degrees and ranks they have obtained. This curiosity manifests itself by raising numerous questions, either directly or indirectly, from the individuals themselves or from other people.

On the other hand, concealing weaknesses and bluffing about strengths, as described earlier, itself leads to individuals becoming suspicious of one another, further stimulates curiosity, and leads to a fault-finding state. This phenomenon also means that sometimes, just by seeing one instance or hearing one sentence or quote about a person that contradicts the image they have created of themselves in us, we judge them and issue a verdict.

10- Stimulation of Feelings of Superiority and Inferiority: Naturally, these comparisons in our minds cause us to unconsciously feel inferiority, lack of self-confidence, and subsequently anxiety or fear in the face of individuals who, for any reason, whether material or spiritual, are above us, and to feel greater calm, self-confidence, or pride in the face of those who are below us.

11- Delusion and Interpretation of Others' Actions: These conditions lead to delusion and skepticism in us and cause us to interpret the behaviors and words of others based on the distance they have from us in the social pyramid. Meaning that, for example, if someone who is our peer and colleague mocks us, we do not attach much importance to it and sometimes even engage in conversation with them. But we perceive the same action from a person who is at a lower rank than us as jealousy, and from a person who is at a higher rank than us as an insult. Because by this action, they might intend to show off and flaunt their position and consequently humiliate us.

12- The Constant Feeling of Being Compared: Being subjected to successive comparisons means that even if no one compares us, we do it ourselves and constantly compare others with ourselves. The result of these comparisons, depending on the case, can lead to feelings of pride and arrogance, regret and envy, or self-reproach.

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Given that comparison begins in childhood and exerts its harmful and destructive effects on us at that very time, its moderation must also start from childhood and from home and school. The special attention modern societies pay to children and their education is an indication of understanding the importance of children's role in building the future of society. The special importance these societies give to the economic security and peace of mind of mothers and teachers is due to the constructive and fundamental role they play in raising children. Hoping for the day when the rulers and officials of traditional societies also become aware of this matter and engage in preventing complications whose treatment, if not impossible, is very difficult.

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Comparison and Its Adverse Effects on the Formation of Some of Our Negative Traits

Excerpted from the book Dar Asārat-e Farhang

Author: Tahereh Sheikholeslam

Contact the author:

[email protected]

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