Let's Be Selfish!

Foreword

Perhaps no trait in the world has been as misunderstood as selfishness. Yes, selfishness is a very good thing; it is we who do not know how to be selfish. If we knew how to be selfish, instead of meddling in others' affairs, we would focus all our efforts on our own growth and comfort. If we knew how to be selfish, instead of waiting for thanks and rewards for every deed, we would do that deed for our own heart and conscience, and we would not care whether others understood or not. If we were selfish, instead of harming ourselves through malice toward others, we would think of our own health and happiness. If we were selfish, instead of constantly thinking about what this or that person says, we would decide with our own reason and logic. If we were selfish, we would not inflict a thousand afflictions upon our appearance, body, and health just to please this or that person. If we were selfish, we would not respect the other person according to their worth, but according to our own worth. If we were selfish, instead of trying to pull others down, we would strive to lift ourselves up. If we were selfish, instead of becoming angry and proving ourselves, we would use every criticism as a means for our own progress. If we were selfish, we would not treat everyone as they are, but rather according to our own understanding and ethics. Selfishness is not a bad thing. It is we who do not know how to be selfish.

The above text is a writing from my Telegram channel (named "Awareness and Flourishing") that prompted questions from friends. In this article, I have tried, while dissecting the term "selfishness" and placing it in its proper position, to highlight the necessity of paying attention to the real meaning of behaviors and, in the words of Rumi, to show the importance of "passing beyond the name and looking at the attributes."

              Pass beyond the name and look at the attributes, so that the attributes may guide you to the essence

     And: Pass beyond the form and rise from the name, flee from the title and the name into the meaning

             So ask about his limit and his action, seek him within the limit and the action

In this writing, to arrive at a correct and comprehensive view of the concept of "selfishness," we will first look at our behaviors from the perspective of philosophical psychology, and then we will address the necessity of a correct and realistic understanding of our own and others' motives, and we will see where a concept called "selfishness," in its precise sense, fits into this equation.

1. Definition of "Selfishness"

The word "selfishness" (khodkhahi) originally means loving oneself. In this term, wanting oneself means showing affection to oneself, cherishing oneself, and seeking one's own benefit and well-being. But "being selfish" has gradually taken on negative meanings, including "disregard for others' wishes," "imposing one's opinion on others," and similar wrong behaviors. In this discourse, we intend to see what the true nature of selfishness is and what form and meaning the concept of loving oneself can have.

2. Selfishness, an Inevitable Matter

Often, the common perception is that our behaviors and decisions are divided into two categories in terms of cause and motive: deeds we do for our own satisfaction or benefit, and deeds we undertake for the pleasure and benefit of another. In other words, it is assumed that we behave in two ways: behavior whose stimulus is our own well-being and comfort, and behavior whose motive is pleasing another or benefiting another. First, we must see whether this common perception is correct or incorrect.

I think with a little reflection it becomes clear that a human being cannot do something that brings them no benefit or gain whatsoever. This statement does not mean that a rational person calculates in every action and considers their own interests, or anything of that sort; the point is that a human being is fundamentally incapable of behaving in a way that, at least in their own estimation, holds no benefit or gain for them. I will elaborate on this, but before that, two points must be kept in mind. One is that in this discussion, the phrases "behaving" or "doing" refer to both the performance and the withholding of an action (or, technically, act and omission). The other is that words like "benefit" or "gain" and their synonyms are intended here in their broad and comprehensive sense, encompassing all types of desirable outcomes that, from the agent's perspective, may result from an action, whether material, spiritual, or otherwise. This benefit may arise either from the occurrence of something, like eating a sweet to obtain pleasure, or from the prevention of something, like avoiding a fall to avert the resulting pains.

In this sense, doing something for which no benefit is conceivable is impossible for a human being. This principle, of course, has no connection to qualities like magnanimity, self-sacrifice, and altruism, because this matter is not optional; rather, it is deterministic and unchangeable (it is clear, of course, that our discussion concerns voluntary human behaviors, and movements or behaviors that occur involuntarily, in sleep, drunkenness, or otherwise, fall outside our discussion). In this sense, selfishness and wanting one's own benefit are inevitable for us, and there is no escape from them. But what evidence is there for this claim?

3. Selfishness and Intuitive Evidence

The first reason is intuitive indications, meaning the countless examples and instances that a person observes by carefully examining their own behavior and that of others. Search and see: have you ever performed a behavior that held no benefit (material, emotional, or spiritual) for you? If you refer to your own motivations in your choices and behaviors, you will see that every move you make is ultimately either for obtaining satisfaction or for repelling suffering and loss. Even the smallest actions, from blinking, whose purpose is the comfort of the eye, to nodding, whose motive is conveying the message "yes" or "no" to another, and so on, to major decisions like choosing a spouse, migrating, or entering university, all either involve a benefit and comfort the individual has seen in them or entail a suffering they have diagnosed in refraining from them.

Even where someone deliberately and consciously harms themselves, there exists the notion of attaining a kind of "benefit" in the sense described. For example, in a behavior like suicide, which apparently holds no "benefit" for the committing individual and is all loss and destruction, in the precise sense, a benefit and good is latent from that person's perspective. We know that a suicidal person—if not suffering from a disorder of the senses and an inability to discern—turns to the option called death to escape deep spiritual torments. Like a lover who commits suicide from the sorrow of separation from the beloved, or a bankrupt merchant who destroys themselves out of fear of the ensuing scandal and humiliation. In this state, the person has reached such an impasse that, from their perspective, the suffering latent in dying is less than the suffering of living with pains like separation, sorrow, or scandal. It is certain, of course, that few of us would agree with such a heartbreaking decision, but the point is that that individual, at least at the time of voluntarily committing that behavior, was convinced that death is better than continuing to live. (I remember years ago I raised this very subject with a friend, and he, for whom accepting this claim was difficult, waved his hand during the conversation and asked: "For example, what benefit does waving my hand right now have for me?" I replied: "It's obvious; you wanted to prove the falsity of my claim by waving your hand. That is the very benefit you had in mind from waving your hand.")

4. Selfishness from a Philosophical and Psychological Perspective

اما از جهت فلسفی و روانشناختی باید گفت بنا به تعریف، در کارهای ارادی، نیروی محرک انسان، خواست و اراده اوست. به عبارت دیگر، انسان برای انجام هر عمل ارادی به انگیزه و محرکی در ذهن و روان خود نیاز دارد. همچنان که ممکن نیست فرضا کسی، موتور اتومبیل خود را روشن کند و اتومبیل شما به حرکت در بیاید، انسان نمی تواند به خواست یا انگیزه ای که در ذهن و وجود دیگری است کاری را انجام دهد. چنین چیزی فقط در صورتی ممکن است که ابتدا آن خواسته به نحوی به انگیزه خود او تبدیل شود یعنی یا دیگری به شیوه ای اعم از خواهش، دستور، تهدید، فریب یا هر روش دیگری، انگیزه انجام کاری را در شخص تولید کند و یا خود او با دیدن رنج و نیاز دیگری، به دستگیری از او ترغیب شود. مثلا زمانی که دوست شما به کمک مالی نیاز دارد شما برای آنکه به او کمک کنید، لازم است یا با گفتگو با او و یا با مشاهده شرایط او، ابتدا از نیاز او مطلع شوید و آن را بسنجید و سپس تصمیم بگیرید که قرض دادن پول به او، برای شما خشنودی در بر خواهد داشت. در این حالت، رنج شما ناشی از ناراحتی یک دوست است و خشنودی تان، ناشی از کمک به او. بنا بر این در اینجا هم در واقع شما در پی رضایت خودتان هستید، نه دوستتان، با این تفاوت که خشنودی شما، از طریق خشنود کردن دوستتان حاصل می شود. روشن است که در این حالت، باز هم کارِ انجام یافته به انگیزه خود شما بوده است و نه انگیزه دوست تان.

حال، فرض کنید کسی بپرسد که: «من خیلی وقت ها برای خشنودی مادرم خود را به سختی می اندازم و به او کمک می کنم. مثلا از راه دوری به فروشگاه می روم و چیزهای زیادی خریداری می کنم و با زحمت برای او می آورم. چرا باید چنین کنم در حالی که چنین رفتاری هیچ سود و منفعتی برای خود من ندارد؟». پاسخ روشن است، با توجه به آنکه سود نهایی در هر رفتاری، دور شدن از رنج یا نزدیک شدن به رضایت است، انجام کار برای مادرتان شما را خشنود می کند. اگر به خواسته مادرتان عمل نمی کردید ممکن بود عذاب وجدان شما را آزار دهد یا ناراحتی او مایه غم و اندوه شما شود. پس انگیزه شما در اینجا هم در نهایت، خشنودی و رضایت خودتان بوده است، نه خشنودی دیگری.

حتی رفتارهایی از قبیل فداکاری و از خودگذشتگی، مصادیق خودخواهی به معنایی که مد نظر ماست، هستند با این تفاوت که در آنها، انگیزه ای بالاتر و والاتر برای خشنودی خویش مستتر است. به عنوان مثال، رفتار کسانی که برای صلاح همنوعان یا آزادی دیگران خود را فدا می کنند به این سبب است که آنان بر این باورند که با این رفتار، از ضد ارزش هایی مانند «ننگ بردگی» یا «خفت ظلم پذیری» و مانند آن پاک و برکنار می مانند، و یا اینکه باور دارند با این فداکاری، به ارزش های بزرگتری مثل نام نیک، افتخار یا صواب و بهشت الهی نایل خواهند شد (صد البته بحث ما درستی یا نادرستی چنین رفتارهایی نیست، موضوع، انگیزه و علت رفتارها و گزینش های آدم هاست).

۵. خودخواهیِ نزدیک بین و دوربین

یک سوال این است که اگر همه آدم ها خواه ناخواه خودخواه هستند پس فرق انسان های آگاه و بزرگوار با آدم های نادان و فرومایه چیست؟ پاسخ این است که فرق شخص کوته بین و نادان با انسان آگاه و رشد یافته در این نیست که یکی خودخواه است و دیگری «دیگر خواه»، یا یکی خود دوست است و دیگری فداکار. بلکه تفاوت آنها در نوع و نحوه سود طلبی آنان است. فرق انسان نادان و فرومایه با شخص آگاه و خردمند در گستره نگاه آنهاست. در حقیقت هر دوی این نوع آدم ها در پی بهره مندی و رضایت خویش هستند و فرق آنها، تفاوت میان دوربینی و نزدیک بینی است. فرد نزدیک بین، مصلحت خود را در محدوده ای تنگ و کوچک می بیند و شخص دوربین، صلاح خود را با دیدی باز تر و در حیطه ای وسیع تر جستجو می کند. انسان نا آگاه به علت محدودیتِ شناخت خود، فقط از مسیر کوتاهِ منافع شخصی در پی منفعت خویش می رود در حالی که انسان خردمند در رفتارهای خود، صلاح و آسایش دیگران را هم لحاظ می کند. چنین بینشی بر دو رشته از آگاهی استوار است که از دید فرد کوته بین پنهان است: اول آنکه انسان خردمند عقلاً و منطقاً خوشبختی کلی جامعه را برای آرامش فردی خویش ضروری می بیند و می اندیشد «هدیه کردن شعله ای به چراغ همسایه، یقینا حوالی خانه او را هم روشن تر خواهد ساخت» و دیگر اینکه از حیث عاطفی، همچون «اعضای پیوسته یک پیکر»، درد دیگری، او را هم به درد می آورد و شادی دیگری، مایه خرسندی و شادی اوست.

۶. ضرورت خودخواهی

Another point must be clarified: if selfishness, in the sense we intend, is a deterministic and inevitable matter, what need is there to recommend and emphasize its necessity? If everyone is willy-nilly "selfish," what necessity is there to encourage selfishness? The answer is that the recommendation we make to be selfish is, in truth, a recommendation to become aware of reality. The point is, first, to move beyond the notion that we do some things for ourselves and some things for others, and to become aware of the important principle that guides our behaviors. In that case, our "selfishness" will take on a beneficial and conscious aspect, and we will take steps toward our own growth and well-being. Knowing that the ultimate goal of life and its activities is our own happiness and flourishing, not service to others, frees us from the suffering of dependency, anger, and conformity, and gives our behaviors a conscious and realistic dimension.

Another goal of this discussion is to clarify that behaviors such as disregard for the wishes of others, belittling and insulting this person or that, anger at criticism, and trampling on people's rights—which are condemned in society under the label of selfishness—are in fact not selfishness, but a lack of self-love. Belittling others arises from a feeling of inferiority and lowliness; fleeing from criticism signifies indifference toward one's own growth and progress; and insulting and trampling on the rights of others arises from a lack of a sense of dignity and worth. Selfishness in its correct sense means loving oneself, meaning having a concern for one's own growth and flourishing, meaning considering oneself valuable and not doing anything that contradicts this principle.

How beautifully Rumi has said:

        The poor human did not know their own worth, / From excess they came and fell into deficiency

      They sold themselves cheaply, / They were satin, yet sewed themselves onto sackcloth

Unfortunately, many issues have been wrongly established for us, and we rarely doubt their correctness. What society has labeled selfishness is, in truth, not "selfishness" but "self-loathing" and "self-diminishment." Incidentally, by giving it the label "selfishness," society reinforces in the short-sighted individual the notion that their behaviors serve their own benefit and interest, even if this benefit comes at the cost of violating the rights of others. And this notion hides from the person's view the sufferings and misfortunes resulting from incorrect behavior. The short-sighted human does not properly know that their wrong individual and collective behaviors are the cause of their deprivation from a healthy, happy, and flourishing life—topics of this kind in the realm of self-knowledge, which is the subject of this author's research and writing, are discussed and analyzed extensively. In self-knowledge, we look at issues from a new and different position, we push aside the words and discover the reality of behaviors and phenomena, and we arrive at an outlook that is deeper and more correct than common conventions.

Considering what has been said, in truth, all humans and all living beings are "selfish" and cannot be otherwise. In this sense, and in the precise and correct meaning of the word, being selfish is not only not a source of evil and badness, but, as stated at the beginning of the discussion, it is a factor in human growth and comfort, provided that its meaning is correctly understood and a deep, far-sighted understanding of this concept is obtained. In the continuation of this discourse, we will present several important benefits of what can be called "positive selfishness."

7. Liberation from a reactive life

One of the factors in our suffering is neglecting our own benefit and well-being and surrendering to the will and thought of others, something that should be called a reactive life. In our affairs and relationships, we are more subject to the mentality and behaviors of others than to our own discernment and thinking. There are many examples of this. If someone is kind to us, we are kind to them in return, but if they have withheld help from us, we will also refrain from helping them. If the other party behaves politely, we treat them with respect, but if they are disrespectful, we are disrespectful in return. Whenever we feel that behind someone's request there is a sense of cunning or ingratitude, we refrain from fulfilling their request, and if we know they will appreciate our kindness, we grant their wish. If someone says something unpleasant, we immediately try to respond to their remark with a retort so that they do not think we are incapable of answering their attack.

In this way, we are subject to the character and mentality of others and have no clear, independent criterion for our own behavior. In a reactive life, we play the role of follower and imitator. Our morality is subject to the morality of others, and our behavior is a reaction to the behavior of this person or that. What is determinative is others, and what is not thought of is our own good and well-being. Many of us, in order to take revenge for another's cruelty and malice, harbor anger and resentment toward them, sometimes for many long years, and impose the sufferings arising from grudge and hatred upon ourselves. In this state, when the subject of forgiveness and pardon is raised, we are not willing to forgive that person because we imagine that forgiving them will bring them comfort, while they deserve torment. Such behavior stems from deeming our own comfort and flourishing worthless; otherwise, we would not be willing to sacrifice our own happiness and health to take revenge on another.

A reactive life lacks authenticity, for it is the repetition of the behaviors of this person and that. It is no wonder that this way of living is full of anxiety, calculation, and worry. Worry about what the other person thinks and what their intention is, and lest they think that way and not imagine this way. A reactive life robs us of the opportunity to assess right and wrong and chains our hands and feet to the thoughts and behaviors of others, just like a marionette that others move to action and stillness. But when we are "selfish" in the true sense of the word, we have stepped into an authentic life. In an authentic life, we have a clear and considered criterion for our decisions, and our behaviors are subject to our own criteria and morality. It does not matter what another does or what their intention is. What matters is what should be done, what action is right, and what brings about our growth and comfort. An authentic life leaves no room for following others, nor for anxiety or worry.

8. Emotional Independence

The ingratitude and unappreciativeness of those around us is one of our sufferings. We become angry and resentful because a friend does not know the worth and value of what we have done for them, or does not thank us as is fitting and proper. These unpleasant feelings arise because, in what we did for our friend, all or part of our motivation was their gratitude or appreciation. Phrases like "helping another" or "kindness to others" have confused many of us and caused us to imagine that part of our behaviors are truly for the happiness of others. For this reason, we lack emotional independence in our behaviors and are dependent on the thanks and appreciation of others. By understanding that humans are, in the sense we discussed, "selfish," we will realize that ultimately, we perform every behavior for our own satisfaction, and so it should be.

With such an understanding, firstly, we are freed from the need for others' gratitude, and secondly, whatever we do, we do it for our own satisfaction and happiness, unconcerned with the approval or understanding of others. In this state, instead of our concern being "Did my friend appreciate my behavior or not?" and "Was my neighbor grateful for my kindness or not?", which is of little benefit to us, our main question will be how helping another will make us feel good, or how untying a knot in someone else's affairs will help keep human qualities alive within us, and how respect and kindness among people will lead to the creation of an environment of affection, support, and collective comfort. Of course, this by no means implies that ingratitude is acceptable or that one should not thank others. Rather, the point is that if another person does not thank us for our deed or is incapable of appreciating its value, their wrong behavior cannot weaken our motivation to do good deeds or cause anger and resentment within us.

9. Intellectual Independence

Blind imitation and devaluing one's own power of judgment stem from a feeling of inferiority and inner weakness. "Positive selfishness" prompts a person to rely on their own thought and reason instead of the opinions and views of others. However, there is a more important point here that we become aware of in the principle of "selfishness." That point is that the principle of the "inevitability of selfishness" in practical behaviors, which was explained at the beginning of the discussion, also applies to intellectual behaviors. But what is meant by this statement? At the outset of the discussion, we explained that a person cannot perform an action for which they have no personal motive, and we said that the notion of a person doing something solely and exclusively for another entails a logical error. It must be said that the same law holds true for intellectual matters, meaning that a person is incapable of doing something in which their own opinion and discernment play no role in its selection. The reality is that phrases like "relying on the judgment of others" are not precise expressions, and their use involves inaccuracy and laxity. The idea that one can follow another's opinion instead of one's own (except under a condition I will mention later) entails a kind of contradiction. In truth, a person is always subject to their own thought and discernment, and what is idiomatically called "relying on the opinion of others" or "imitating others" is, in fact, "the discernment that another person discerns better." That is, here again, the individual acts according to their own discernment, but their discernment is that another's discernment is more correct.

When a person realizes that their motives in all situations are their own discernment and not another's, they will become aware of the importance of their own thoughts and will understand the necessity of strengthening their own thinking and critical power. Furthermore, the imitative individual, by knowing that they have, by their own discernment, set aside their own discernment (!), will notice the contradiction in their behavior. Who has discerned that another thinks better and judges more correctly? If the individual has perceived the correctness of another's opinion, it means they were capable of perceiving this correctness, and if they have perceived this correctness, one must ask why they have no faith in their own discernment? Of course, instances like consulting a specialist to do something for which we lack sufficient information and expertise are not counterexamples to this matter but rather a confirmation of it. You have concluded, based on reason, logic, and practical evidence, that the auto mechanic has more knowledge about your car than you do, or that your doctor better understands the cause of your illness. Your consultation with these specialists is also based on this reasoning. And of course, if evidence shows that your repairman or doctor is not sufficiently qualified, you will judge their inadequacy and cease to trust them, and if you do not do so, it means either you have not discerned this reality or you have erred in your discernment. In all these cases and everywhere, you rely on your own understanding and judgment, which is, of course, correct and reasonable.

10. The Principle of Growth and Flourishing

As we have said, the wise human being, in the final analysis, seeks their own growth and flourishing, and helping others is also part of this same process. The human being is a social creature, and innately and naturally, indifference to the pain and suffering of another is difficult for them. In this sense, the conscious human being loves others because helping another's joy and happiness is part of their own process of growth and flourishing. As it happens, such a view not only does not lead to disregard for others, but also transforms the human being's motivation in helping others from a state of reluctance and compulsion into interest and vitality, because the person considers the goal of helping others to be their own pleasure and satisfaction. In such a view, affection for another takes on the status of kindness toward oneself, and we perform it with eagerness and without worry about being understood or not.

The other side of the matter is also worth pondering. Some of us, in the course of life's relationships, violate the principle of "positive selfishness" and engage in behaviors that are instances of defeating the purpose. If we are "selfish" in its true sense, we follow this principle that every behavior we engage in must be in the direction of our own growth and flourishing and not conflict with it. Helping another while this act may cause harm to our growth and flourishing is not a wise act. Like a father who, in order to help his friend, harms himself and his family, or a woman or man who insists so much on staying in an unhealthy marriage with an immoral and incorrigible spouse that they harm themselves in this relationship and lose their moral, physical, or psychological health.

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"Let's Be Selfish"

Author: Sasan Habibvand

Ways to contact the author:

Email: [email protected]

Telegram: telegram.me/sasanhabibvand

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